Yes, Still

While I was nursing Rowan last week, someone asked me when I was going to be finished. I had been dreading Rowan's first birthday because I knew that I'd start facing questions, some merely curious, some almost disapproving. Questions that could cause me to second guess my decision to continue with "extended" breastfeeding.

Admittedly, I used to think it was a little strange to nurse a toddler. My experience with nursing babies has grown with each of my three children. With little support, little knowledge, and a baby with latching troubles, I only nursed Pacey for 2 weeks. After returning to work, having limited time to pump, and developing mastitis, I felt satisfied with making it to 6 months with Gage. My goal with Rowan was a year. And she and I have had our fair share of issues, but we have gotten through them.

I quickly learned that with a high-needs baby like Rowan, I could throw feeding schedules, sleeping schedules, and anything related to structure out the window. This pushed me to my limit. I like structure. Schedules? Yes, please! So not being able to count on predictable feeding schedules was a challenge. I am typically a 'by the book' person, so the fact that she wasn't waiting 2-3 hours between her feedings caused me to feel like I was failing. Then I found Dr. Sears. When I read things from him, I realized I was still a 'by the book' person. Just a different book! He encouraged holding babies as much as they wanted, wearing them frequently. Hubby used to ask, playfully, if I ever put her down. Both of these I already did, but a small voice inside questioned whether it was okay. Dr. Sears confirmed what my instincts were telling me. It was okay, and she needed it.

I remember the day when my struggle with breastfeeding ended. Rowan was crying. An inconsolable cry. I bounced her. I rocked her. I swaddled her. Nothing worked. I looked at my feeding app. She had recently eaten, so I figured there was no way she was hungry. But after nothing else I did worked, I grabbed the Boppy and decided to nurse her. She fumbled for a minute, still overwrought that it had taken her mama so long to figure out what she wanted, but she latched and immediately calmed. Suckling vigorously for a bit and then falling into a milk drunk sleep. I relaxed and realized that nursing didn't necessarily have to do with hunger; nursing provided her with comfort. She wouldn't nap anywhere else during the day, and my new motto quickly became, "When in doubt, whip it out." I deleted my feeding app and instead adopted the practice of cue feeding. She was smart and could tell me when she needed me. And if it meant that I spent the better part of the day on the couch, so be it. And now, a year later, I don't regret those quiet, nursing naps. There was nothing else I'd rather have been doing.

Today, I tried to take a teething, clingy, and cranky baby on a run. We got back home just as she was reaching her threshold. We settled into the rocking chair, and she quickly nursed to sleep. I listened to her contented swallows and studied her sweet face. Her hand instinctively reached up and found my face and lingered there until she found deep sleep. A year may have passed, but my little high-needs baby still needs this. As I type, she is nursing and sleeping. She woke up after only thirty minutes, still half asleep, and I knew she wasn't ready to wake up yet. Are there things I could be doing right now? Definitely. My hair is still wet from my shower. The house is still in disarray from our kitchen remodel. Does any of that matter right now? Not at all. This baby girl will only be a baby for a brief moment in time. She will eventually not need or want to nurse so much, and when that happens, we will fondly say goodbye to that part of our journey. Until then, I'm trusting that I'm providing her with nourishment to grow... physically and emotionally.

Screaming and Speeding

... not always at the same time, but today? Yes!

Rowan has never been a fan of the car, which is why we haven't ventured any further than Chesapeake with her. Most extended car rides result in at least 10-15 minutes of screaming, and if an outing has more than two ins and outs of the car, she goes into total meltdown mode. So after another screaming car ride yesterday, I told Hubby that I was going to turn her seat around. She's one, she's 20 pounds, and I know "they" recommend that babies now ride rear facing for at least two years, but I have to try something to make our daily trips to the boys' school bearable. The fact that she cried for just about the whole 30 minute ride this morning sealed the deal. I turned her seat around during her nap. And during our afternoon car ride, she was so much more pleasant.

At first. Then not so much.

Don't worry-- I took both of these pictures at stoplights. And since today was a trying day (I think she is teething), I even joined in on the meltdown. I definitely didn't remember my breathing meditation today. I think I'll print it out and post it in my car as a reminder.

The other screaming and speeding incident was during my morning run. Look at this time!

The trails and hills at the park during my long runs must be doing their jobs if I can easily pound out a mile in 9:30 while pushing the jogger in the wind and not feel like I am going to die! It helped that Rowan decided to cry for the entire second mile-- there is nothing like a little vocal encouragement from my running partner to kick my butt and keep me moving!

We stopped at the park mid-run and played. While I watched her wander around and explore, I felt so grateful, so present with the gifts of the day. I was enjoying my perfect girl, during beautiful weather, in the middle of a fabulous run. What is better than that?

Finding My Groove

A few weeks back, my friend Kristy commented on my Facebook status about swimming that I had found my groove. I've been wanting to get to this post since!

Her comment really resonated with me because it is exactly how I've been feeling in so many parts of my life. It's been a little over a month since I've been a stay at home mom. Rowan and the boys and I are really enjoying this new adventure. I'm learning what will work best for our family, and I'm really enjoying finding a less stressed, more satisfied part of myself emerging.

What I've loved experiencing and what has happened more naturally since I stopped forcing an outcome and instead have stayed present, is training. I still have moments of obsessing and fretting about performance, but I'm starting to fall back in love with the process, and that is an awesome place to be. Because not only am I making positive changes physically, I'm finding more confidence in just being, too. That is what has been missing, what has slowly waned over time as I have fumbled to adjust to the many changes life has brought.

I did something this weekend that was huge for me. I stepped out of my comfort zone and put myself out there. And though this seems like such a simple thing, for an introvert like me, it was a challenge. My friend Kristy and I have been lucky to keep in touch with each other through Facebook, but we haven't seen each other since high school... 15 years ago! We both are moms, we both run, we both blog- we have a lot in common, so it seemed to be a great idea to run together. I invited her on a long run, and as I drive to the park, I had what she called first date jitters. I was nervous about running with someone new. I wondered if I'd be good enough. I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to talk about. I was anxious to see someone after so long. I wondered about a million things that all made me question my decision and attempted to thwart my confidence.

Again I learned a lesson about trust. Trusting in the choices I make and trusting in who I am. It was a fabulous run and it was great to talk in person finally! There really isn't anything like running with someone- she put it best, so I'll steal it- it is therapeutic. You chat at times and then sometimes there is nothing other than the rhythmic sound of your feet on the trail. I love that there was no competition. We just set out and run. It was nonthreatening. And for someone who wants to constantly compare herself to her old self and to others, yesterday was an amazing experience with being present. I'm so glad I ignored my insecurities and stayed in my groove!

Zooma Zoom

Today marked the first official day of training for the Zooma Half Marathon. I hadn't planned on running today, but it was so sunny and warm that I couldn't resist. After a great session of intervals on Monday, I was itching to get out and see what I could push myself to do in terms of speed and endurance. In my mind, I decided I'd be happy to sustain a 10:30 pace for the 2-3 miles that I intended to run with Rowan in the jogger. I was so pleased with what I was able to do:

9:55?! And it felt amazing! I think mentally I've finally gotten past the obsession with where I used to be, and I've settled into where I am and how I can continue to improve. This is a nice place to be-- it's about being present, and I love that I can see how much I am able to do when I'm not focused on past accomplishments.

Here is what I have devised as a training plan for the half. I'm sure I will have to be flexible; life at home with a one year old isn't exactly predictable, but I think that most days, I'll be able to stick with it.

My long runs will be on Sundays because it means that I can run with my BFF on the trails, which alleviates boredom and also provides some hilly action to deal with. I am so looking forward to this time each week!

I love that I can still continue with my triathlon training while I incorporate extra running mileage because even though I'm not going to be doing Breezy Point, I found another awesome triathlon in OBX in September to add to my list.

I know I said this in my last post, but I really just can't get over how much better I feel now that I am back to being very active again-- active with a purpose beyond fitness (even though that is very important on its own). I think that is where I started to lose motivation a few years ago. Simply going to the gym with no other reason other than burning calories was not enough for me. I missed this rush, the rush of setting goals and meeting them, of pushing myself physically and mentally, of knowing that I accomplished something pretty awesome.

Shamrock 8k Recap

This is a week late, but I need to talk about how great the Shamrock 8k was!

I look ready to kick some a$$!

The race morning was beautiful and unseasonably warm for mid-March. The sun was peeking over the coastline as I drove into the resort area. I was very nervous for my first race back, but I felt cautiously optimistic. I knew that I had trained enough to make it through the race even if I wasn't going to post my best time. My goal was to simply be present during the race and finish strong.

Oops, excuse the extreme close-up of my finger!

This was also the first longer race or event that I've done all alone. I went to packet pick-up alone, I drove to the race alone alone, stood in line for the bathrooms alone (but I did chat with a really nice lady!), found my corral alone, ran alone, and finished alone... Poor hubby and the kids were stuck driving around looking for a parking spot as I crossed the finish line! That was a very different feeling. I was missing my best friend, the person I've done just about every triathlon, 5k, half-marathon, duathlon with, but it was also an opportunity for me to be courageous and independent, to push myself before and during the race. It was a good experience for me.

I could feel my nerves setting in as each corral started the race, but I tried to keep my breathing even, and I settled into an easy pace. Looking back, I feel like I could have possibly pushed myself a little more, but I was afraid of my breathing getting too tight, and I didn't have my inhaler with me. The first three miles were pretty easy. At mile 3.5, I stopped for water, which was probably a mistake because then I battled a cramp for the next 1.5 miles.

I have to admit, I did stop to walk once because I was getting a bad cramp and starting to feel mentally defeated. Thankfully, an older lady running with an American flag, put her hand on my back, pushed me forward a bit, and told me, "Don't stop! Rock on, girl!" That was all I needed; I thanked her, and I pushed and found my way to the finish line.

Here are my splits from my Garmin. Not my best (I need to stop saying this), but pretty good considering I only trained for about a month or so.

1	10:57.0	1.00	10:57
2	10:45.3	1.00	10:46
3	10:59.3	1.00	11:00
4	11:11.5	1.00	11:12
5	10:45.6	1.00	10:46

I am pleased-- my official race time was 54:29, about 2:30 over my initial goal of 52:00.

For a while, I've been toying with the idea of registering for the Rock and Roll half, but I haven't committed to it because I am not sure how I can get good runs in with the heat of the summer and all three kiddos home all summer. After some encouragement from my friend over at A Balanced Fit today, I decided to forgo the Breezy Point Tri in June (still aiming for the Patriot in September), and instead I registered for the ZOOMA half in Annapolis! 

That gives me just about 10 weeks to get back to half-marathon form, which is very doable.  What's great is that I can still incorporate my triathlon training into this plan, so that I will still be on track for a strong Patriot Sprint in September. 

Just a closing note-- I am so thrilled to be back into training, back into ME again. I've been to the pool twice in the last week, and while it is really challenging swimming again after such a long break, it is empowering. Advice to moms, to anyone? Find what makes you buzz, what makes you feel alive, what makes you feel like YOU, and immerse yourself in it. There is nothing else like it.

One Year

Dear Brown Baby,
Today you turn one, and I find myself at a loss for how this time has slipped away so quickly. It doesn't seem so long ago that we found out we were having a baby and now I look down, and you are running all over the house.
There was a time when I fully believed that I was finished having babies. I couldn't see going back to this place, this world of little sleep and constant need. But one day that changed, and I knew you were waiting to become a part of this family.

You are a spirited girl. You've taught me to be patient, to be flexible, to be responsive. I've become a better mom to all of my kids because of the presence you've encouraged me to maintain.

I've learned to slow down. I now know just how fleeting babyhood is. So I linger. I sometimes hold you while you nap, ignoring the dishes in the sink and the laundry piles, knowing all too well that soon, too soon, these quiet moments will only be a painful longing, a sweet memory.

You've united our blended family- you are the common ground, the link we all share. We find joy in you and your shenanigans; we exchange smiles, we share laughter. We have come to know a shared love that is often a challenge to achieve when you come from varied pasts. That may sound like a hefty weight for someone so small, but it requires no work on your part. It is part of the blessing of having you in our lives.

I often marvel at this chance, this privilege to be your mama. I look at you, see your round face, your sweet lips, your happy eyes, and I thank God for this second chance. I thank God that he brought you to us, that he knew that I wasn't finished just yet.

As we close this chapter of your life, as you say goodbye to babyhood, and you leap into toddlerhood, I am ambivalent. I miss the curled up, cuddly baby you once were, but I'm so in love with the floppy, independent toddler you are becoming.

Right now, you have given me a gift, a sweet glimpse at your younger days- you have nestled in for an unscheduled nursing nap. I sit here on the couch and take you in. Your even breaths, the weight of your head on my arm. There is no place I'd rather be, nothing I'd rather be doing than holding you right now, being your safe place to sleep.

Happy birthday, my sweet girl! I look forward to all of our adventures.

Always Learning

It's amazing where you find inspiration if you are open and paying attention. Over the weekend we were at the doctor's, and during the extremely long wait, I picked up a catalog for ridiculously overpriced baby furniture. On the first page, I found this:

How incredible and filled with truth! This simple, yet meaningful statement has caused me to reflect quite a bit on how I've changed over the past ten years of being a mother, and I've been filled with a deep sense of gratitude for my children. They have inspired me to continually strive to be a better person. I could get caught up in so many regrets, absorbed in so many times that I was selfish. I was quite a different person and mother at 22 than I am now at 32. But I'm not going to get stuck in a cycle of regrets, instead I've focused on being present, and looking back, I know that I was the best mother I was able to be at the time. I know I provided a loving presence to my boys, and I know that I owe so much to them in terms of how I've grown. They remind me to laugh, to be present, and to relax. For someone who gets stuck in her head all of the time, it's perfect, and I am learning to be more open to it.

We went for a walk yesterday, and as Rowan and I watched the boys zoom ahead on their scooters, I wistfully thought to a time when they would have stayed right beside me. I'm learning to let them go a little at a time, to urge them exercise their independence, and to encourage them to be brave and courageous. I had to fight back the urge to shout their names and tell them to come back, they were going too far ahead. But that would have been selfish, that would have been thinking of my needs instead of theirs. I saw our timeline lay out before me... Pacey in the front, Gage in the middle, Rowan still close, and I realized there is beauty in these moments of struggle. I could hang back and watch the grown boys that they've become, I could let go of what I felt they should be doing and just watch them be. That is a wonderful feeling of release, to loosen the control and to trust and be present in my parenting of them. To me, this is part of living a better life for them and filling our experiences with love, beauty, and goodness.

And even more beautiful was the moment when Pacey slowed down just a bit and allowed me and Rowan to catch up with him, so he could walk with us for the last stretch.

I turned to the next chapter in my Momfulness book this morning, and I realized I was practicing the next meditation yesterday without even knowing it. The practice of being present and just watching my children play. Without interfering, without controlling, without guiding the experience to be what I think it should be. To delight in their selves, to see the world from their vantage point. To trust and to know that if they go on ahead, they will come back for snuggles, for reassurance, for affirmation. And because I haven't been absorbed with my own agenda, because I haven't created stress, I am more available to give them what they need in those moments-- to be present with them, enjoy them, nurture them, and continue to learn from them.