Bubbles and Raindrops

What a great weekend! I started my Saturday with a very hard, very hot 8 mile run. Nothing seemed to want to fall into place. I was wheezing despite taking my inhaler. My legs felt tired. I figured it was time for a tough long run, so I pushed through. Even if I was a bit cranky by the end!

The boys were slowly starting to feel better, and the day was so pretty, so we hung out on the deck. They are starting to be in that in between place- between being little kids and being grown kids. Sometimes it's hard for me to see how much they are changing. I found an incredible article this weekend that talks about surrender in the context of parenting a newborn. It has me thinking about how that practice of surrendering can be continued. I have to do some thinking and processing still, but I know that as the boys grow I need to apply this. I love the way my friend at Breath of Sunshine put it- I need to allow them to help guide me on the journey of being their mom.

I'm grateful that I can be present for moments when they forget to be so grown. Moments when they still allow the little kid to shine through. So when they got out the bubbles, I smiled. I watched them play and enjoyed the glimpse, the gift of seeing their younger selves once again.

Sunday started with another run (yes, more miles!!). Even though it was a very rainy day, I was glad to meet my friend at the park. We ran along soggy trails and through muddy puddles, and I was very surprised with how strong I felt even though I had run long the day before. We laughed at ourselves for running in the rain, but we definitely weren't the only crazy people out there. There is something different about running in the rain, and I realized that it feels so great because I reconnect with my inner child-- it's my bubbles! It brought me back to splashing through puddles on my bike when I was little. 4.5 miles has never gone by so easily and so quickly. I was completely out of my head and really enjoying the run. I wasn't worried about miles, time, breathing. It was simply fun.

Lesson from the weekend? Bring on the bubbles, bring on the rain.

Four Mile Therapy

It is weeks like this that I'm glad I have gotten back to running and training. Rowan has been teething. Hubby says it looks like Chiclets are pushing through. And it does! Those front two teeth are so close. But that means I have a clingy, fussy, cranky girl.

On top of that, Pacey has been battling a very strange stomach virus all week. It keeps coming and going, and he hasn't been at school since Tuesday. Today both boys are home. It's been a crazy week.

My plan all week was to do a solo 4 mile run yesterday after Jon got home from work. My resolve wavered as the day wore on. Rowan wouldn't nap anywhere but on me, and she wouldn't let me put her down or walk more than two feet away from her. All of this means that I was still in my pajamas at 5:30 while I was cooking dinner. The dreary weather was not doing much in terms of motivation either.

But as I juggled dinner and a clingy toddler, I noticed blue sky peeking through the grey clouds. I knew a run would balance me. It would give me some quiet, some of me after a demanding week. So I got the kids fed, and as soon as Jon walked in (with flowers! Have I mentioned he's awesome?!), I passed Rowan off, changed my clothes and headed out.

Surprise flowers from Hubby :)

I was curious how my pace would be without the jogger. I hit a 9:30 mile with it earlier this week. I knew I had goal of 4 miles, so I didn't push too hard at first. Here are my stats:

Mile 1: 9:44
Mile 2: 9:58
Mile 3: 9:47
Mile 4: 10:04

Overall it was a great run. I had to catch my breath, briefly, three times, but I haven't seen times like that for a substantial distance in a long time!

I needed that run last night. It was my therapy after a long day and an even longer week. I returned home refreshed and ready to start bedtime with the kids. My mood brightened, and I didn't feel frustrated. I realized last night that running brings out the best part of me. It challenges me, humbles me, and shows me what I'm capable of achieving. It helps me to be better- a better mom, wife... A better me!

A Teacher's Heart

Gage has an amazing teacher. She is patient, nurturing, engaging. She is what I would consider the quintessential second grade teacher. Gage and I both love her. Today my entire perspective changed. Today, if it's even possible, I love her more.

We usually see her get out of her car with her daughter when we are waiting for time to go into school. If she sees us, she waves. Today we arrived at school early, so we were first in line at the parent drop off station, and I saw her car drive by. I caught a glimpse of the frame around her license plate: I held one in my arms. My curiosity was piqued. After Gage and I said our goodbyes, I drove around the loop and slowed as I came by her car, so I could read the rest. My breath caught in my chest and my eyes welled with tears. I had to wait a minute to gather myself before I drove again. The part of the frame that I didn't see said: Everyone dreams of angels. Then I noticed the SIDS awareness magnet. My heart ached, and I was in awe of this woman, this mother of six who was already inspirational to me. I cannot imagine suffering the death of a child. I cannot imagine having the strength to continue. Yet this woman, and many others, do. She teaches, she loves my Gage. She loves his curiosity, his eagerness for learning. She even loves his struggles with self-control. I see it. I feel it when we talk with her. And now it is so much more meaningful to me. She has clearly suffered, but until I saw her license plate, I would have never known. She continues with grace, with love, and exudes that to those she meets.

I drove home, fighting tears. My heart, flooded with gratitude. Gratitude for three beautiful and healthy children. Gratitude for the opportunity to be their mother. Gratitude for the gift of staying home with Rowan, of being with the boys before and after school. I have always been grateful, but these moments of levity are priceless. These moments force me into the present; they require reflection, reevaluation.

These moments remind me to continue to strive to be present, to be mindful, to be compassionate with my family. To cherish every moment, to love all there is about them, to focus on their happiness, to encourage us all to grow. To resist the urge, the ingrained impulse, to get overwhelmed, to be impatient and frustrated.

May I continue to be a teacher to my children, to shape them with loving hands. May I hold the presence gained today more constantly, without the need for poignant reminders. But may I be open to these reminders as they come my way.

40 Day Goal Challenge Set 1 Recap

I'm a little late getting back to my goals, but here is where I stand after about 50ish days.

source: http://holyweightblogbatman.tumblr.com/post/5436578941

1. Blog, blog, blog! I'm thinking 3-4 times a week.
I haven't gotten to 3-4 times a week until this week. I still get in my own way with the feeling that each post has to be perfect, deep, and super wonderful. What I find, though, is that I enjoy writing about our lives regardless. And my friend at Breath of Sunshine put it perfectly: "I've decided to consider each post a rough draft. When the book editors come knocking, I'll fine tune them." Perfect! I am working on being gentle with myself and not always demanding a ridiculous level of perfection.

2. Run, run, run! 3-4 times a week. I'd like to reach a consistent 10:30 pace for 3-5 miles by the end of this set of 40 days.
This I have achieved! Long runs at the park have definitely helped my speed and endurance. I've even gotten faster than a 10:30!

3. Swim, swim, swim! I need to see the pool 1-2 times a week to be ready for Breezy Point in June.
Well Breezy Point is out of the picture because of the Zooma Half. I have gotten to the pool three times, which is about what has been feasible. It was tough getting back, but I'm feeling more comfortable in the water each time!

4. Continue Pilates workouts 2 times a week. Maybe slip in some yoga for balance?
I haven't gotten to two times a week, but I have done Pilates a few times and yoga once! I've made both a part of my training plan.

5. Do something special with the just the boys (at least a few times). Now that I'm at home, I definitely want to spend more time with just them.
Done! Whale watching was the highlight of this goal. Plus we spent time together at the beach.

6. Take Pacey running with me. He loves it, and what a great way to connect with him (and wear him out!).
Done! And as a bonus Gage came, too! We ran two miles in the sand. It was great to run with my boys!

7. Continue to resist sweets and sugar as what I'm giving up for Lent.
Done! Now that Lent is over, I've had a few pieces of Easter candy, but I'm continuing with this and staying away from sweets and sugar more than I used to.

8. Read and discuss the Gospel readings for the week's Mass with the boys before Mass each week.
Done for the one Mass the boys made it to with me. It was a weird time of the year. But now that my RCIA class is just about over, it will be easier for all of us to go to Mass together.

9. Schedule date nights with hubby. 1-2 would be awesome, unprecendented even!
Sadly this didn't happen! :( but we have a date planned for our anniversary next weekend!

10. Devise and implement a monthly plan for keeping the house clean and organized.
I've kind of experimented with the best way to do this. I quickly learned that a strict weekly schedule wasn't the best approach. I'm still working on this one!

11. Organize our homework area and figure out how to keep Rowan occupied while I'm working with the boys, so she doesn't try to eat their homework.
We have a homework area in the dining room, stocked with supplies, etc. Most days, Rowan is able to entertain herself. Most... On the data that she isn't, I need to practice maintaining patience. I think a Momfulness meditation would be a good reminder here.

12. Implement another meditation from Momfulness. Continue using the two meditations I've started with.
Done! I blogged about the watching your children play meditation. I use this one frequently!

I'm going to continue to work on some of these and come up with a few fresh ones to start in a few days.

And instead of the Lululemon racerback, I'm treating myself to a pair of running capris, which I really need now that it is warming up!

Yes, Still

While I was nursing Rowan last week, someone asked me when I was going to be finished. I had been dreading Rowan's first birthday because I knew that I'd start facing questions, some merely curious, some almost disapproving. Questions that could cause me to second guess my decision to continue with "extended" breastfeeding.

Admittedly, I used to think it was a little strange to nurse a toddler. My experience with nursing babies has grown with each of my three children. With little support, little knowledge, and a baby with latching troubles, I only nursed Pacey for 2 weeks. After returning to work, having limited time to pump, and developing mastitis, I felt satisfied with making it to 6 months with Gage. My goal with Rowan was a year. And she and I have had our fair share of issues, but we have gotten through them.

I quickly learned that with a high-needs baby like Rowan, I could throw feeding schedules, sleeping schedules, and anything related to structure out the window. This pushed me to my limit. I like structure. Schedules? Yes, please! So not being able to count on predictable feeding schedules was a challenge. I am typically a 'by the book' person, so the fact that she wasn't waiting 2-3 hours between her feedings caused me to feel like I was failing. Then I found Dr. Sears. When I read things from him, I realized I was still a 'by the book' person. Just a different book! He encouraged holding babies as much as they wanted, wearing them frequently. Hubby used to ask, playfully, if I ever put her down. Both of these I already did, but a small voice inside questioned whether it was okay. Dr. Sears confirmed what my instincts were telling me. It was okay, and she needed it.

I remember the day when my struggle with breastfeeding ended. Rowan was crying. An inconsolable cry. I bounced her. I rocked her. I swaddled her. Nothing worked. I looked at my feeding app. She had recently eaten, so I figured there was no way she was hungry. But after nothing else I did worked, I grabbed the Boppy and decided to nurse her. She fumbled for a minute, still overwrought that it had taken her mama so long to figure out what she wanted, but she latched and immediately calmed. Suckling vigorously for a bit and then falling into a milk drunk sleep. I relaxed and realized that nursing didn't necessarily have to do with hunger; nursing provided her with comfort. She wouldn't nap anywhere else during the day, and my new motto quickly became, "When in doubt, whip it out." I deleted my feeding app and instead adopted the practice of cue feeding. She was smart and could tell me when she needed me. And if it meant that I spent the better part of the day on the couch, so be it. And now, a year later, I don't regret those quiet, nursing naps. There was nothing else I'd rather have been doing.

Today, I tried to take a teething, clingy, and cranky baby on a run. We got back home just as she was reaching her threshold. We settled into the rocking chair, and she quickly nursed to sleep. I listened to her contented swallows and studied her sweet face. Her hand instinctively reached up and found my face and lingered there until she found deep sleep. A year may have passed, but my little high-needs baby still needs this. As I type, she is nursing and sleeping. She woke up after only thirty minutes, still half asleep, and I knew she wasn't ready to wake up yet. Are there things I could be doing right now? Definitely. My hair is still wet from my shower. The house is still in disarray from our kitchen remodel. Does any of that matter right now? Not at all. This baby girl will only be a baby for a brief moment in time. She will eventually not need or want to nurse so much, and when that happens, we will fondly say goodbye to that part of our journey. Until then, I'm trusting that I'm providing her with nourishment to grow... physically and emotionally.

Screaming and Speeding

... not always at the same time, but today? Yes!

Rowan has never been a fan of the car, which is why we haven't ventured any further than Chesapeake with her. Most extended car rides result in at least 10-15 minutes of screaming, and if an outing has more than two ins and outs of the car, she goes into total meltdown mode. So after another screaming car ride yesterday, I told Hubby that I was going to turn her seat around. She's one, she's 20 pounds, and I know "they" recommend that babies now ride rear facing for at least two years, but I have to try something to make our daily trips to the boys' school bearable. The fact that she cried for just about the whole 30 minute ride this morning sealed the deal. I turned her seat around during her nap. And during our afternoon car ride, she was so much more pleasant.

At first. Then not so much.

Don't worry-- I took both of these pictures at stoplights. And since today was a trying day (I think she is teething), I even joined in on the meltdown. I definitely didn't remember my breathing meditation today. I think I'll print it out and post it in my car as a reminder.

The other screaming and speeding incident was during my morning run. Look at this time!

The trails and hills at the park during my long runs must be doing their jobs if I can easily pound out a mile in 9:30 while pushing the jogger in the wind and not feel like I am going to die! It helped that Rowan decided to cry for the entire second mile-- there is nothing like a little vocal encouragement from my running partner to kick my butt and keep me moving!

We stopped at the park mid-run and played. While I watched her wander around and explore, I felt so grateful, so present with the gifts of the day. I was enjoying my perfect girl, during beautiful weather, in the middle of a fabulous run. What is better than that?

Finding My Groove

A few weeks back, my friend Kristy commented on my Facebook status about swimming that I had found my groove. I've been wanting to get to this post since!

Her comment really resonated with me because it is exactly how I've been feeling in so many parts of my life. It's been a little over a month since I've been a stay at home mom. Rowan and the boys and I are really enjoying this new adventure. I'm learning what will work best for our family, and I'm really enjoying finding a less stressed, more satisfied part of myself emerging.

What I've loved experiencing and what has happened more naturally since I stopped forcing an outcome and instead have stayed present, is training. I still have moments of obsessing and fretting about performance, but I'm starting to fall back in love with the process, and that is an awesome place to be. Because not only am I making positive changes physically, I'm finding more confidence in just being, too. That is what has been missing, what has slowly waned over time as I have fumbled to adjust to the many changes life has brought.

I did something this weekend that was huge for me. I stepped out of my comfort zone and put myself out there. And though this seems like such a simple thing, for an introvert like me, it was a challenge. My friend Kristy and I have been lucky to keep in touch with each other through Facebook, but we haven't seen each other since high school... 15 years ago! We both are moms, we both run, we both blog- we have a lot in common, so it seemed to be a great idea to run together. I invited her on a long run, and as I drive to the park, I had what she called first date jitters. I was nervous about running with someone new. I wondered if I'd be good enough. I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to talk about. I was anxious to see someone after so long. I wondered about a million things that all made me question my decision and attempted to thwart my confidence.

Again I learned a lesson about trust. Trusting in the choices I make and trusting in who I am. It was a fabulous run and it was great to talk in person finally! There really isn't anything like running with someone- she put it best, so I'll steal it- it is therapeutic. You chat at times and then sometimes there is nothing other than the rhythmic sound of your feet on the trail. I love that there was no competition. We just set out and run. It was nonthreatening. And for someone who wants to constantly compare herself to her old self and to others, yesterday was an amazing experience with being present. I'm so glad I ignored my insecurities and stayed in my groove!