Thursday, October 13, 2011

Catching Up

Overwhelmed.  That's really a very mild description of how I feel most of the time. Close to drowning? That is probably a bit more accurate.  Having been back to work for over four months, I was hoping that I would feel more together, more composed, more organized.  Yet all of that has proven to be so elusive.  Every day feels like a race and before the race is even over, I'm having to prep for the next day's leg.  It's exhausting on its own.  Add in Rowan, who still doesn't sleep for more than two or three hours at a time, and I'm on the edge of sanity most days. 

In the early days with Brown Baby, I posted about identity.  Towards the end of those idyllic days at home with her, I had started to find myself again, etched out in a faint pencil drawing, but it was there.  Quite visible.  Going back to work has changed that picture, erased some lines here and there, and I'm struggling to find balance and endurance.

Which is exactly why it is now the end of December, I started this post in October, and the last post I published was in June.  It frustrates me that I can't be consistent with my blog or with anything right now, so I've taken this valuable Christmas break to regroup and catch up.

What I've learned about myself is that I definitely feel better when things are organized. The problem is that it has been really hard to get organized when adding Rowan to the mix of the morning and evening rush. So I started organizing our home office and taking over the desk to make my own command center. My Mac has found a new home, and that definitely makes me happy!  It is still a work in progress, but it includes a family binder where I've created sections for anything we would need during the course of a week.  One of the biggest changes we've made recently is deciding a month or so ago to create and stick to a weekly meal plan. What a huge difference that makes in the evening to already know what dinner will be. It is simple things like this that I know are important to our family running more smoothly.

The boy-os and I talked about the new year today, and they did some reflecting on their past year and even thought a little about the year ahead using this great printable I found online. I really miss having the energy and time to focus on things like this with them. I really want to find a better way to balance my time, and we have been blessed with what we affectionately call our HNB (high needs baby). Rowan demands so much from us all of the time, and while I don't typically make resolutions, I will be focusing on finding ways to better balance all of the demands a mom finds placed upon her. The boys were very sincere about their reflections. And really cute, too! It warmed my heart to see that Pacey said the hardest lesson he learned was never to steal. (Another post for another day!)

On the HNB front, she got her first taste of a Christmas cookie today. To say that I am in love with this girl is an understatement. Despite her being the most demanding of the three babies I've had, we are so very blessed to have her in our lives. She is a continual source of joy and a constant reminder that life is good. How could it not be with a face like this?