Being Mom, Take Two

Your eyes are glassy, blinking slowly as you nurse. I sit here, watching you and run my fingers through your wispy, brown hair. It's growing; I stroke the new layer that clings close to your forehead, and with each stroke, your eyelids briefly close. Your hand rests on my chest: a connecting touch, a point of shared energy. It's midday, and you haven't napped at all. Your gums are stressed, feeling the push of three teeth trying to make their way through. I've tried to put you in bed once, you immediately noticed the change in position, and you cried. So here we are again, in our rocking chair, our favorite spot.

I think back on all of the times I've rocked and rocked and rocked. I think about the sleepless nights, long days. I see me, a much younger, much more impatient mother, feeling frustrated. Being mom, a second time, has brought so many changes. Sure there are the simple lessons learned-- don't overheat the baby food, don't put the Q-tip in the ear too far, a baby doesn't really need all of the items you think they do...

But beyond that, I feel like I've learned or am learning about what is truly important. About time. About connecting. About patience (most of the time... This will always be a challenge!). About seeing their needs and meeting them there, rather than being attached to my agenda and desires. I'm content to sit in this rocking chair for two hours when she is teething and just needs to feel secure while she sleeps. I'm seeing how parenting the boys is changing as they grow. How they need me in a slightly different way than they have before.

I'm accepting myself, my mothering right where it is. I trust that I am always learning, and I am practicing being open to what comes my way. I am learning that I do not need to aspire to perfection- that will always set myself up for failure! Instead, I can aspire to be the best mom that I can be, right here, right now, recognizing and being open to what my children need.

I think back to when the boys were small, and I sometimes feel like I failed them somehow. I question myself- was I too impatient, too frustrated, too selfish? Did I give them what they needed? Did I connect with them enough? Did I wish away time?

But the bottom line is I did the best I could for where I was. They are happy and healthy boys. They are well-adjusted. They are awesome kids, and I'm proud of how they are growing up.

I'm proud of how I'm growing up, too. I'm working on my next set of 40 day goals, and I'm pretty sure one is going to focus on no more apologies! At least not for things that I can't change about myself and the past. I want to keep focusing on being present and also living authentically. Finding out more about who I am and what drives me and then setting intentions to live that truth. And not worrying about being judged (mostly being judged by myself!) I think it will be a great process!

Sunshine

The sunshine and warm spring weather finally returned today! Rowan and I celebrated by going to the park for the first time in a week.

I watched her wander around, marveling at how much she has changed. She walks effortlessly, as if she's always known how. She is starting to say words, and once you show her something, she remembers what it is and will point to it when you ask her where it is. She amazes me, day after day.

And she is simply sunshine, my sunshine. Her happy personality and cheerful disposition fill my days. She loves being ornery, and her satisfying giggle melts my heart. Her smile each morning affirms my decision to resign mid-year. I've grown with her over the past two months, each day learning how to be a better mom.

Our neighbors stop us on our walks, gushing over how adorable she is. They wonder how it is that she's grown so fast already. The ones with adult children, eyes filled with nostalgia, warn us how quickly it goes. I understand this too well. I see pictures of my boys, and that painful longing, the guttural ache for time gone by washes over me. So I try to immerse myself in each stage, in each day, neither longing for the next nor staying absorbed in the past. I see the light, the sunshine each of them brings to my days, and it warms me, reminds me that life is good.

Noise and Learning to Surrender

Yesterday we met most of Hubby's family at Red Robin to celebrate birthdays. Because of the deluge of rain, the restaurant was fairly empty. Empty did not equal quiet. The restaurant had an energy about it; it reverberated across the empty space. The music felt a touch too loud, the table set up a bit too close.

I know myself enough to understand that this was going to be challenging. I'm a quiet person by nature; my body, my self is sensitive to stress and noise. I have to stay very aware of how I'm feeling during moments like this. Otherwise, I easily go into meltdown mode.

Rowan internalized this energy. We can usually go into restaurants with her, and she is very happy, very content to sit with us. Instead, she was fretful, fussy, and unable to sit still. She didn't quite know what she wanted. She was too distracted to nurse. Too overstimulated to play.

The boys felt the energy, too. They were bickering, getting frustrated at the crossword puzzle, kicking each other under the table.

As we were on our way home, Rowan quietly looked out the window. Once we were in the house, she played happily. There was no glimpse of the fretful baby from the restaurant. Jon looked at me and said, "You know- she's so much like you. She doesn't like noise and craziness, either." I nodded in agreement. I could empathize with her. I could understand why the boys were a little bonkers. And that empathy had helped me not to completely snap during lunch even though I could feel the pressure, feel my raw nerves.

Since January, I've been practicing presence and working on my Momfulness journey. I have found another absolutely incredible resource to add to this practice of conscious parenting. Let the Baby Drive is the philosophy of Lu Hanessian. I have been reading through her site, tears streaming down my face. When you find what you identify with, when you resonate at the soul level, it is powerful.

This is how I want and try to parent. This will encourage me to continue to be compassionate, mindful:

To bridge this gap between knowing better and loving better, we must dare to be aware. To see ourselves in our children’s eyes. To embark on healing journey of recognizing what we have been ‘missing’, how the pain of that unmet need has influenced our actions, self-concept, and relationships, have empathy for the child who is still alive in us, and recover the birthright of joy and peace we are here to experience and share. A priceless gift for our children. And theirs.

This art of surrender isn't a complete giving up of control. It isn't allowing the child to railroad the parent. It is the releasing of agendas. It is letting the child navigate. Finding empathy for where a child is and meeting needs. Trusting in our intuitive voices as mothers. It pairs perfectly with my Momfulness practice. It honors the child as an important being, and it brings a deep connection to the mother-child relationship:

The art of surrender is an act of compassion--for ourselves, first and foremost. When we hold that kind of feeling for ourselves, our babies “feel” it too. We hold them slightly differently. We breathe differently. We may stop “bouncing” them so much and start finding more fluid movements that flow with their true needs. We find...synergy.

I look forward to finding synergy with all of my "babies."

Bubbles and Raindrops

What a great weekend! I started my Saturday with a very hard, very hot 8 mile run. Nothing seemed to want to fall into place. I was wheezing despite taking my inhaler. My legs felt tired. I figured it was time for a tough long run, so I pushed through. Even if I was a bit cranky by the end!

The boys were slowly starting to feel better, and the day was so pretty, so we hung out on the deck. They are starting to be in that in between place- between being little kids and being grown kids. Sometimes it's hard for me to see how much they are changing. I found an incredible article this weekend that talks about surrender in the context of parenting a newborn. It has me thinking about how that practice of surrendering can be continued. I have to do some thinking and processing still, but I know that as the boys grow I need to apply this. I love the way my friend at Breath of Sunshine put it- I need to allow them to help guide me on the journey of being their mom.

I'm grateful that I can be present for moments when they forget to be so grown. Moments when they still allow the little kid to shine through. So when they got out the bubbles, I smiled. I watched them play and enjoyed the glimpse, the gift of seeing their younger selves once again.

Sunday started with another run (yes, more miles!!). Even though it was a very rainy day, I was glad to meet my friend at the park. We ran along soggy trails and through muddy puddles, and I was very surprised with how strong I felt even though I had run long the day before. We laughed at ourselves for running in the rain, but we definitely weren't the only crazy people out there. There is something different about running in the rain, and I realized that it feels so great because I reconnect with my inner child-- it's my bubbles! It brought me back to splashing through puddles on my bike when I was little. 4.5 miles has never gone by so easily and so quickly. I was completely out of my head and really enjoying the run. I wasn't worried about miles, time, breathing. It was simply fun.

Lesson from the weekend? Bring on the bubbles, bring on the rain.

A Teacher's Heart

Gage has an amazing teacher. She is patient, nurturing, engaging. She is what I would consider the quintessential second grade teacher. Gage and I both love her. Today my entire perspective changed. Today, if it's even possible, I love her more.

We usually see her get out of her car with her daughter when we are waiting for time to go into school. If she sees us, she waves. Today we arrived at school early, so we were first in line at the parent drop off station, and I saw her car drive by. I caught a glimpse of the frame around her license plate: I held one in my arms. My curiosity was piqued. After Gage and I said our goodbyes, I drove around the loop and slowed as I came by her car, so I could read the rest. My breath caught in my chest and my eyes welled with tears. I had to wait a minute to gather myself before I drove again. The part of the frame that I didn't see said: Everyone dreams of angels. Then I noticed the SIDS awareness magnet. My heart ached, and I was in awe of this woman, this mother of six who was already inspirational to me. I cannot imagine suffering the death of a child. I cannot imagine having the strength to continue. Yet this woman, and many others, do. She teaches, she loves my Gage. She loves his curiosity, his eagerness for learning. She even loves his struggles with self-control. I see it. I feel it when we talk with her. And now it is so much more meaningful to me. She has clearly suffered, but until I saw her license plate, I would have never known. She continues with grace, with love, and exudes that to those she meets.

I drove home, fighting tears. My heart, flooded with gratitude. Gratitude for three beautiful and healthy children. Gratitude for the opportunity to be their mother. Gratitude for the gift of staying home with Rowan, of being with the boys before and after school. I have always been grateful, but these moments of levity are priceless. These moments force me into the present; they require reflection, reevaluation.

These moments remind me to continue to strive to be present, to be mindful, to be compassionate with my family. To cherish every moment, to love all there is about them, to focus on their happiness, to encourage us all to grow. To resist the urge, the ingrained impulse, to get overwhelmed, to be impatient and frustrated.

May I continue to be a teacher to my children, to shape them with loving hands. May I hold the presence gained today more constantly, without the need for poignant reminders. But may I be open to these reminders as they come my way.

Always Learning

It's amazing where you find inspiration if you are open and paying attention. Over the weekend we were at the doctor's, and during the extremely long wait, I picked up a catalog for ridiculously overpriced baby furniture. On the first page, I found this:

How incredible and filled with truth! This simple, yet meaningful statement has caused me to reflect quite a bit on how I've changed over the past ten years of being a mother, and I've been filled with a deep sense of gratitude for my children. They have inspired me to continually strive to be a better person. I could get caught up in so many regrets, absorbed in so many times that I was selfish. I was quite a different person and mother at 22 than I am now at 32. But I'm not going to get stuck in a cycle of regrets, instead I've focused on being present, and looking back, I know that I was the best mother I was able to be at the time. I know I provided a loving presence to my boys, and I know that I owe so much to them in terms of how I've grown. They remind me to laugh, to be present, and to relax. For someone who gets stuck in her head all of the time, it's perfect, and I am learning to be more open to it.

We went for a walk yesterday, and as Rowan and I watched the boys zoom ahead on their scooters, I wistfully thought to a time when they would have stayed right beside me. I'm learning to let them go a little at a time, to urge them exercise their independence, and to encourage them to be brave and courageous. I had to fight back the urge to shout their names and tell them to come back, they were going too far ahead. But that would have been selfish, that would have been thinking of my needs instead of theirs. I saw our timeline lay out before me... Pacey in the front, Gage in the middle, Rowan still close, and I realized there is beauty in these moments of struggle. I could hang back and watch the grown boys that they've become, I could let go of what I felt they should be doing and just watch them be. That is a wonderful feeling of release, to loosen the control and to trust and be present in my parenting of them. To me, this is part of living a better life for them and filling our experiences with love, beauty, and goodness.

And even more beautiful was the moment when Pacey slowed down just a bit and allowed me and Rowan to catch up with him, so he could walk with us for the last stretch.

I turned to the next chapter in my Momfulness book this morning, and I realized I was practicing the next meditation yesterday without even knowing it. The practice of being present and just watching my children play. Without interfering, without controlling, without guiding the experience to be what I think it should be. To delight in their selves, to see the world from their vantage point. To trust and to know that if they go on ahead, they will come back for snuggles, for reassurance, for affirmation. And because I haven't been absorbed with my own agenda, because I haven't created stress, I am more available to give them what they need in those moments-- to be present with them, enjoy them, nurture them, and continue to learn from them.

Trust

Today marks the week anniversary of my new journey of being a stay at home mom. I've avoided posting for the past week because I wanted to settle into my new reality without overthinking things too much, which I tend to do when I write. Sometimes that's good. This past week, though, I just wanted to focus on the transition from being working mom to just being mom.

It's been a great transition, and Hubby has commented that I seem more at ease, calmer. I've found such a sense of fulfillment and peace (yes, already!) in caring for my family. I said to someone yesterday, "I've finally found what I want to be when I grow up!"

Reflecting on the past week has gotten me thinking about trust. Trusting in my decision-making. Trusting that even though this was a huge life change, which I fretted about for many months, I knew in my heart the right decision to make. And now that I am a week in, I can say without a doubt that it was. What I'd like to learn to do more readily is to trust before I have the proof. To believe the whispers of my heart more immediately, rather than questioning everything endlessly. To live courageously. And most importantly to share this outlook with my children.

This kind of trust goes hand-in-hand with presence. Through my ramblings with the Buddhist faith, several years ago, I learned this:

Consider the trees which allow the birds to perch and fly away without either inviting them to stay or desiring them never to depart.

To me this is the very definition of presence. Use any metaphor you want here for the birds and you can put this idea into practice for living in the moment. Living in the moment and being present requires trust. Trust that everything is in perfect order. Just as it is. I've posted before about having no regrets, and this is why, this is one of those great practices that I found in my journey that I can apply wherever I am in my life.

How can I look at this and not think everything is in perfect order?

So how else am I practicing trust and presence? In my training. My last post talked about my struggles with being present in this venue. I've done much better this week. I'm working on trusting my body to do what it can do right now. Today I ran 3.5 miles, and I ended up walking part of mile 2-3 because I was going head into 20ish mph winds. Instead of getting frustrated with myself and the weather, I just walked until I felt I was able to run again. And then I ran the last mile and finished strong.

Mile 1: 10:48
Mile 2: 11:23
Mile 3: 12:37
Last .5: 11:12

I'm trusting the process of building towards the 8k in about a week. When I get there, I'll run the best race that I can run, and I will celebrate another small victory. Then I will reset and look towards Breezy Point Tri in June.

Some wisdom from my Lululemon bag. I love every one of these!

40 Day Goal Challenge

I love having bloggy friends! I learn so much, and I am continually inspired to write more, learn more, and be more. That is awesome. Here's the most recent...

A few years ago, I tried to commit to the 101 in 1001 project where you set 101 goals to complete in 1001 days, or just short of three years. I immediately felt overwhelmed. For starters, I couldn't come up with 101 goals and make them meaningful.  And then, 1001 days felt like a very long time. For me, the whole thing felt unmanageable and completely stressed me out. I'm pretty sure that wasn't the point.

The good news is that my friend at Breath of Sunshine introduced me to the 40 Day Goal Challenge, which she found at another great blog called Smile With Your Heart. It's perfect for the easily overhwelmed (me!) because you take 40 days to work towards manageable goals. The theory is that it takes 40 days to create or break a habit. And as an added bonus, you can reward yourself with a little something at the end. Fabulous!

This is coming at a perfect time for me. Just as my life is about to shift, as I'm about to transition to a completely different daily reality, I want guidance to keep myself focused. I have so many things that I want to accomplish and to adjust, both for me and for my family, that I'm starting to feel overwhelemed by them and just a bit scattered. Most importantly, I want to continue my Momfulness practice, maintain my focus on presence, and continue to grow in my journey in the Catholic faith. I think this is coming at a great time as Lent begins today (a 40 day period... how synchronistic!).

Just after my first Ash Wednesday service

Here is my first set of goals for February 22-April 8:

1. Blog, blog, blog! I'm thinking 3-4 times a week.

2. Run, run, run! 3-4 times a week. I'd like to reach a consistent 10:30 pace for 3-5 miles by the end of this set of 40 days.

3. Swim, swim, swim! I need to see the pool 1-2 times a week to be ready for Breezy Point in June.

4. Continue Pilates workouts 2 times a week. Maybe slip in some yoga for balance?

5. Do something special with the just the boys (at least a few times). Now that I'm at home, I definitely want to spend more time with just them.

6. Take Pacey running with me. He loves it, and what a great way to connect with him (and wear him out!).

7. Continue to resist sweets and sugar as what I'm giving up for Lent.

8. Read and discuss the Gospel readings for the week's Mass with the boys before Mass each week.

9. Schedule date nights with hubby. 1-2 would be awesome, unprecendented even!

10. Devise and implement a monthly plan for keeping the house clean and organized.

11. Organize our homework area and figure out how to keep Rowan occupied while I'm working with the boys, so she doesn't try to eat their homework.

12. Implement another meditation from Momfulness. Continue using the two meditations I've started with.

Reward: Lululemon Cool Racerback

I LOVE stripes. And this has awesome reviews. It will be perfect for spring/summer runs and bike rides.

Small Things

I was talking to my friend Kristy at Breath of Sunshine, and she really got me thinking. In her journey to adapt to life with a new baby and an elementary schooler, she mentioned that she needs to celebrate the small things. Isn't this so true? I know that it is easy for moms to get overwhelmed by the magnitude of our jobs. Raising these little beings into well-rounded, happy, and healthy adults is a monumental task, and we take it very seriously. So seriously that often, we perceive we are failing. And failing miserably.

Or is it just me?

I completely understood her excitement about a successful bus stop trip, and I realized that those are the moments that really matter, that we build from as we mother our children. These moments deserve to be celebrated. Not only because they build our confidence as mothers, but because they are meaningful to our children, too.

Have the boys seen me struggle with balancing their needs with the needs of a baby? I know they have, and it hasn't always been graceful. Does this mean I have failed as a mother? In some moments, I believe that I have. When I feel vulnerable about my abilities, when I do not maintain presence, when I lose my temper, when all the plates I'm spinning come crashing down, I see a failure of a mom, someone who can't hold it all together.

But here's the important question that begs to be asked. Would my boys or Rowan see me as a failure? Despite the moments when I behave as less than what television has told us is right and the norm, they most definitely would not. And why? Because of the small things.

So here's to the small things that need to be celebrated, here's to mothering in the moment, and loving all of the experiences motherhood brings...

• Here's to making Valentine's Day brownies with the boys while Rowan happily snacked on Goldfish crackers in her high chair. (This is HUGE for us!)
• Here's to making it through homework time this week without anyone getting frustrated. (Another BIG feat.)
• Here's to getting meatloaf (a favorite dinner) in the oven.
• Here's to slow and unrushed bedtime storytimes, three nights in a  row.

Have there also been moments this week when I've been a little less than June Cleaver? Sure, and those are important, too. They remind me that I'm human, they give my boys opportunities to see that sometimes parenting is hard, and they give me something to work on. I think I'll try to post some of my small victories each week. To help me remember celebrate who I am as a mother and where I am on my journey.

Stretched

I've definitely been feeling the pull of three kids this week. Monday afternoon was one of the most challenging afternoons in while due to a very clingy baby and the boys with their mounds of homework. I couldn't sit with them at the table without holding Rowan. I couldn't hold Rowan at the table because she kept trying to eat their papers. I couldn't stand by the table holding Rowan because she kept trying to launch herself onto the table from a few feet above. I lost my patience multiple times. With the boys, with Rowan, and with myself. There was no amount of breathing, no amount of telling myself that this is a wonderful moment that would work to focus me, to help me to be present in that moment and smile.

The pull continued as bedtime ensued.  Rowan wanted to nurse for 40 minutes or more, and every time I thought she was asleep and tried to put her down, she woke up screaming. I thought of my sweet boys who were upstairs, watching TV, waiting for me to come and tuck them in. Guilt creeped in and I struggled not to feel frustrated with Rowan, struggled not to yell out, "You're not the only kid I have!" I know it isn't her fault, and I know that as she approaches the one year mark, she is starting to settle in to things so much better. But the reality is that parenting a high-needs baby is exhausting, and I never feel like I have enough of myself to go around. I gave the screaming girl to Hubby, and I went upstairs and rushed through storytime with the boys. The rushing through part weighed on my conscience for the rest of the night. Afterwards, I realized that I was not present with them, that I could only hear the screaming cries from downstairs, and that I really missed out on that special time we share. It's what my Momfulness book calls absent presence:

The state of being present in the body but not in mind or heart is called absent presense and is actually the state that most of us live in much of the time. It's as if we are walking ghosts. Our children know that we're not really there. They don't feel truly seen or heard by us. Love is a body-to-body experience; when we don't make real contact, our loved ones don't experience the fullness of love. And neither do we.

This passage perfectly describes where I was on Monday night during the boy-os' bedtime routine. I was not really there with them. I was struggling internally with my guilt, my frustrations, and I'd wager they could tell.

This is not how I want to parent them. And it isn't the reality all the time; the breathing meditation helps keep me present quite a bit. More importantly, I'm learning to forgive myself when it isn't enough, when I can't find my smile like I couldn't during homework time. 

In moments like the rushed bedtime and really any interaction with them, this is another practice that I think will help. Now that the breathing meditation has started to become second nature, I'm going to add this to the mix.

Eye Contact Meditation

from Momfulness (I'm summarizing/paraphrasing. She describes it much more eloquently!)

Finding Me

I've posted before about the dramatic effects having a baby has on your self-image, your entire sense of self. Lately, I have been feeling this pretty intensely. I'm not sure if my focus on being present has allowed me to recognize these feelings or if it is simply time for me to do something about it.

Since brown baby's arrival, I've been running off and on, and I love it, but I have either been too tired, too busy or too stressed about taking the time away from the family to run consistently. I have totally lacked motivation, and that is pretty foreign to me because I was at one point a workout whore (my self-titled nickname!).  I have been feeling pretty nostalgic for those days lately. I was so confident and felt so good about how I looked and the clothes that I wore.  I know I've done a pretty decent job in losing the baby weight, but I'm still about 15 pounds away from where I was back in those days.  And about 5 pounds away from where I was right before getting pregnant.

Last week I decided it was time to get serious and really work at finding me again. I know that having a baby redefines you. And this redefinition takes time, too. I'm so incredibly happy and fulfilled by our family, and there are also some big changes coming up that really speak to my heart, too (stay tuned!). The process of redefinition is powerful, and I know that thanks to little Rowan, I am a much better mother to all of my children because I am learning to be so much more in tune to who I am, both as a mother and a person.

I'm so glad I started to reread and rework through my Momfulness book, too, because I really believe I am able to come to many of these understandings through practicing being present and being open to both what I need and what my family needs. I love that I'm taking it slowly through the book this time, rather than speed-reading through it and not really making it a practice.

But let's get back to the point of this post! I've committed to training for two triathlons this year, and I am so incredibly excited at the thought. I'm not sure where in the past four years I lost my motivation for being a "workout whore," but I'm welcoming her back with open arms. I feel like I've rediscovered a part of myself. The part that had gotten lost in the excitement of a new relationship, the frustration of a knee and foot injury, the distraction of pregnancy, and the elation and exhaustion of new motherhood is emerging again. The newness of her presence is pushing me to happily train and train hard. To run faster, bike harder. To look forward to swimming again, to feel cold water envelop me and to welcome the burn in my arms.  I want to raise a banner over me that says, "Finally! Welcome back! (And please don't stay away for so long again!)"

So here's to a renewal of fitness, of health, of ME. My first event will be Breezy Point on June 3rd (which was my first tri ever) and the second will be the Patriot Sprint on September 9th. I'm also planning to do some short running races, too.

I can't wait to have my race number scrawled on my arm again!

Bargain

I bargain with the clock: creep!

I bargain with the clock: speed!

I remember: love every moment. Always.

Mornings

This is a tough one sometimes, isn't it?

Today the morning found me groggy, tired, and weak, still feeling the pangs of another sinus infection.

Bleary-eyed, I tumbled out of bed to the shower after a night waking every two hours because a sweet baby wanted her mama.

In the mad rush of leaving for the day, Brown Baby clung to my hip, leaving my arm burning from her weight and my heart heavy with our impending separation.

The boy-os argued over DS games, excitedly preparing for their day off of school tomorrow.

Brown Baby planked when I tried to put her in her car seat, screamed in protest to the start of our day, looked pleadingly at me as I buckled her in.

I closed her door and leaned against the car, seeking a quick moment, a quiet reprieve from so much activity so early in the morning. My breath hung stubbornly in the cold, morning air. Its persistence reminded me that to breathe, to be alive, to wake to three healthy children in the morning demanded that I love these moments of frenzied activity, to be present with them all, to know that each of these moments are wonderful, are a precious privilege.

On the Mend

The last several days have been challenging ones at the Rock House. Little brown baby came down with a nasty virus that included high fevers, a terrible cough, congestion, and finally an ear infection. For four nights, we were up every hour, and throughout the day, she was a sad, restless baby in need of constant snuggles and carries. Everyone is exhausted! We finally have antibiotics, and she slept much better last night.

Poor sick girl

And now, on my third day off of work, I'm sitting in the dark, in a rocking chair. My arm is asleep from her heavy, finally restful, body. We debated about whether she was ready to return to the babysitter today, and I almost got ready for work this morning. But as I listen to her even breathing and see her sweet, somewhat snotty face on my chest, and I know there is no place that I'd rather be.

The past several days have been stressful. I often returned to a breathing meditation from my Momfulness book:

This helped me to remember that although these moments have been challenging, they are still wonderful moments. In the midst of very little sleep and being thoroughly exhausted, in the midst of a sad, sick baby, I have reason to smile.

Finally on the mend

Being Responsive

I've posted many times about divorce, and as much as I'd like to put all of it behind me and move on, I have two sweet boys who are and will always be impacted by the choices their father and I made. Divorce is cyclical; the three of us continually journey through varying phases, and I never find myself prepared for where their little hearts and minds will go.

The latest installment came the other night at the dinner table when out of the blue, Gage looked at me very seriously and said, "Mommy, I'm never going to get married."

I can never be sure where Gage will go next when he makes sudden announcements like this, so I asked why and waited for the rest. I never expected what came next; his mature thought process that lead to his profound statement left me breathless, heartbroken.

"Because I don't want to be like you and Daddy."

I might as well have been a puddle on the floor. My brain grasped for something to say, anything that could take away this knowing, this life experience that my little eight year old possessed. My feeble attempt to reassure him, to restore his faith in marriage fell pitifully short. He looked at me skeptically as I rambled about choosing the right person until thankfully, his attention was diverted by his brother.

I know it is clearly too early to predict doom for his future relationships due to commitment issues. But at the same time, I also realize that they will both be permanently impacted by our choices, even if they were only two and four. They are fortunate enough to see their father and I interact positively most of the time. They also see a loving and healthy marriage here at the Rock House.

Gage, at 2

Gage's comments have helped me to realize that in addition to modeling healthy relationships, I need to be talking with them about marriage and divorce more frequently and in a more complex way than I have been. I have to help them heal and understand the whys and hows of what happened, so they can learn and hopefully not repeat this experience later in their lives.

This has definitely had the potential to completely stress me out! Instead, with my momfulness practice and focus on presence, I'm learning to be less reactive and more responsive to their needs, to love all of the challenges and opportunities parenting them brings.

Privileges

As I was rocking and nursing Rowan to sleep on Sunday night, I was trying to savor the moment and not fret over returning to work the next day. I have been focusing on my word, presence, and trying to keep myself grounded in the moment. I've posted about rocking before, and there is simply something almost healing about it. Everything else falls away, and it is just the two of us, our breath aligned, her sleeping body heavy on my chest.

It was in this quiet the other night, in my earnest attempt to remain present, that I reflected on the weekend. It was full and busy, but I realized that in that fullness, was happiness and joy. My first instinct is to stay home, to keep things quiet, in an attempt to stall time, but this weekend there were times that we had to be out and then times that we chose to be out. Because I've been working on presence, I was able to find the joy in each experience, rather than feeling stressed because how much time they were taking.

As I reflected on the weekend, I had a very clear and humbling sense of the privilege I've been given to be a mother to wonderful children and a wife to an amazing husband. My life is so rich because of what they add to it, and I know my focus on presence has allowed me to be more available to enjoying every second.

Affirmations

Every so often, Pacey and I come to blows over homework. This time it ended with this:

He has been blessed with the gift of stubborness, something that will certainly come in handy as he grows, but for a mom, it can definitely be a challenge. He is a brilliant kid (and I'm not just saying that because I'm his mom), but that sometimes leads to total meltdowns when he has the opportunity to be wrong. I say opportunity because he definitely needs to learn that it is okay to be wrong because that is how we learn.

As a teacher, I am accustomed to helping kids. When they don't understand something, I patiently work with them. It frustrates me to no end when he immediately shuts down, refuses to listen, or starts to cry or bang his feet on the floor.

I try my best to maintain my composure because really a 10 year old having a meltdown and a 33 year old having a meltdown are not a good combination! This doesn't always work, though, and yesterday, I did have a hard time maintaining my presence and finding ways to respond to him with compassion and grace.

Until today. I am always humbled and in awe by how what we need will often show up for us right when we need it. I have recently started following a group on Facebook called Peaceful Parenting. Throughout the day, they post positive statements or thoughts about motherhood, and this morning, a link to a YouTube video that has many different positive affirmations you can use with your children. They even group them by age range. The thumbnail on their post showed this statement:

I had to stop and allow it resonate.  After the drama of the afternoon's homework time, I decided that I would find a way to help him become more responsive to my guidance during homework time. I planned on setting aside time tonight to read some more in my Momfulness book, sure that I would find some guidance. 

I've read about and used affirmations before. I used to carry around meaningful statements on index cards that I would read each morning or when I needed to find focus, but I have not thought about using them with my boy-os. And now that I think about, I'm not sure why I haven't. Instead of telling them to focus, to listen, to stop getting frustrated all in the heat of the moment, laying a foundation of of these things in a positive way seems like a much more effective starting point. This isn't to say that some moments will not call for me to redirect their behavior, but slowly, we can reshape their reactions, beliefs, and behaviors in a positive way. My next step is to figure out how to begin sharing these with them consistently, intentionally, and effectively.

Presence

With the new year comes new hope and fresh starts. Everyone is talking resolutions, and I usually hesitate to make any because like most, I fail to follow through with them! I follow a blog called Sorta Crunchy, and each year she picks one word to focus on and guide her through the year. What a fabulous idea!

I really wanted my word to be one that seemed to find me, rather than one I decided would work best (or would be easiest!). I wanted it to be one that would impact me personally and relate in a positive way to my family. Choosing to pull the Momfulness book from the shelf a few days ago played into this perfectly. The first section is dedicated to presence:

We practice being here, now. We relax into life and stop wanting to be somewhere other than where we are. We realize that our true home is so close to us; it is in this moment; it is in the eyes of our child or in the greeting of our partner or in the hug of a dear friend. Our home is as close as our next breath.

We live in such a fast-paced world, and I find that I am always focusing on what is next. I'm most challenged by this when I am at work. Being away from Rowan is so very hard, and I live for the clock to strike 3:30. I wish away those 8 hours until I get to be back home again, and then I wish for the evening hours to slow down and creep by, so I can immerse myself in my family. I fret for the 25 minute drive to the babysitters, fret while we are getting the kids' things together, and fret for 15 minutes until we get home. I fret about the traffic, I get really annoyed at slow drivers, and I curse red lights.

This constant push and pull and consuming stress is exhausting. I am so focused with the idea of time speeding up and slowing down that I've realized I don't spend enough time living in the moment, being present. I look back on the months since I've been back at work, and they seem like a blur. And I wonder. Did I live in them enough? Or did I spend my time dreading work, rushing through traffic, mourning the end of the evening?

Is there any wonder why I feel imbalanced?

I go back to work tomorrow after 12 days off, and I plan to take it minute by minute. I know I will cry after I drop Rowan off, but I will be present with those tears, not wish them away, not only long for 4:00 when I am with her again. I know work will be very busy, so I will be busy with it, not focus only on 3:30 when I get to leave. On my ride home, I will enjoy the quiet time to myself-- time to pray, to prepare myself for the busyness of homework and the clinginess of an infant who has grown used to her mama 24/7.

As I approach 2012 with a focus on presence and Momfulness, I will work towards finding home in any moment, rather than wishing moments away. For now, I am a working mom, and I have to find a space in my heart for that home, too. 

Momfulness

You have to find a mother inside yourself,

We all do. Even if we already have a mother,

we still have to find this part of ourselves inside.

Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

A few years ago, when I was in the thick of single motherhood, I found a wonderful book-- Momfulness- Mothering with Compassion, Wisdom, and Grace by Denise Roy. What I loved about this book when I first devoured it was its focus on forgiveness and acceptance for mothering right where you are and the encouragement to suspend judgment of yourself as a mother. Finding compassion, wisdom, and grace in the midst of the craziness of parenthood is not an easy task. She offers a practical spiritual practice that can easily fit within any religious practice. I pulled this book out today, so I can revisit it as I work to regain balance. Organizing the physical space in which we live is only part of a very important process I know is necessary for our family to function smoothly. I know that my job as a mother is to keep compassion, wisdom, and grace as the driving forces in my interactions with everyone in our house. I've posted in the past that since Rowan's arrival, balance has been quite elusive, and I know that creates situations where Momfulness is key.

Throughout my pregnancy with Rowan, Hubs and I frequently talked about the changes that bringing a baby into our lives would create. The other kids had become quite self-sufficient, and we knew that the adjustment would come with growing pains. Despite having that awareness, I was not prepared for just how hard it would be. I had grown quite accustomed to life with my boy-os and having time to do fun things with them, to take them places, to just spend one-on-one time with them. All of that went out of the window with Rowan's arrival. She is a true high needs baby, and an HNB (as we affectionately call her) in the family precludes many activities. Even walking to the crosswalk to walk home with the boys when she was a newborn was a monumental task! I feel like I've lost so much time with my boys, and luckily they are awesome kids. They haven't been jealous of her, and they have been so very flexible with the adjustments we've had to make.

Though Rowan is still very much an HNB, at nine months, she is finally starting to settle into life outside the womb. As long as I'm within a few feet of her, she will happily play. And probably the biggest accomplishment is she is finally napping consistently and for more than 20 minutes at a time. This major milestone is wonderful because I am focusing on finding balance in the time I spend with them. It is easy to judge myself for feeling like I have faltered in my parenting of them. This is coming on the heels of both of them being very attached to their dad, and sometimes I can't help but take it personally. In rereading the first chapter today, I realize that I have to be gentle with myself and acknowledge that I have done my best. But I also come away with the awareness that I can focus on finding compassion, wisdom, and grace in all of my experiences with them.

During Rowan's naptime today and yesterday, the boy-os and I played with one of their Christmas presents. We mixed plaster, filled molds, and painted the dinosaurs.

They are so gratifying and easy to please. And pretty cute, too!

My favorite quote from today's chapter:

In practicing Momfulness, we cultivate compassion, not only for others but also for ourselves. We increase our ability to see our own suffering-- how tired we are, how hard we are working, how much we don't know. We develop the capacity to forgive ourselves, and to give ourselves some of what we need. Our hearts open, and we make friends with even the most difficult experiences of our lives.

This is such a very powerful passage and several parts almost move me to tears. I am making a promise to myself to focus on these three things.

Forgiveness: How great would it be if, as mothers (or simply people) we could forgive ourselves?

How much we don't know: Even as a third-time mom, it is hard to admit that I don't know all of the right answers.

What we (I as a mom) need: I need to exist as my own person, too, not just as "Mom." In order to be the best mom I can be, I must take care of myself. I'm working on this one, too, in my focus on regaining balance.

I'm excited about this journey!

That's all for today!