Live Like You're One

Shortly after a frustrated meltdown-- back at it!

I was watching Rowan play this morning, and it hit me just how much I can learn from her. She is always present. Her entire being exists in the moment. I know that isn't by choice- it is just how it is- but I see that I can follow her lead in many things.

I've come up with my new list of 40 day goals (check out the new tab!), and I realized this morning that one year olds live very unapologetically. Not just to us poor parents, but more importantly to themselves. There is none of the defeating self-talk that pummeled me into my foul mood on Friday. There is no second guessing choices made. She might make a mistake, she might get overwhelmed and frustrated, she might fall, but she moves on almost immediately. None of that defines who she is in any way.

I know it's easy to look at an unknowing one year old and see that wisdom when she knows no other way. But what if? What if we could live like that, even for a brief time each day? What if after we fall, after we make a choice, for better or worse, we simply move on? It may help us the next time, or we may forget about it completely. But the bottom line is it does not define who we are.

This is what my number one goal is about. No more apologies to myself for what I've done or haven't done. No more allowing those things to define me and my present experience.

I've recently been harassing myself for not blogging consistently over the last few years- for struggling to find my true voice, for feeling defeated and overwhelmed. I'm finished apologizing to myself for that. It is what it is. And if I truly believe that all is in perfect order, and I do, I have to stop allowing that to define my current experience. It's amazing how things shift when you drop the old baggage. Already, new experiences are waiting to be had! I'm excited for a fresh start.

There are so many other apologies I'm dropping... I'm giving myself permission to let them go!

For not running throughout my pregnancy...
For not feeling confident enough to live my truth consistently...
For feeling like I wasn't always patient enough, present enough with the boys when I was a single mom...

I could make a long list, but the details aren't important. The shift is what is what is important. No more apologies!

What can we learn from watching our children?

Love each step.

Letting Everything Be

The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears, or the sea. (From Tiny Devotions Facebook page.) 

Yes! I learned this yesterday and today!

Yesterday I got myself into a funk. It started brewing in the early afternoon. By evening, it was a full blown bad mood that was accompanied by crankiness. Poor Jon. I get like this every so often. I start over thinking things. Then I get overwhelmed. Then I get frustrated and feel like I have failed. Then I should really sequester myself in a room all alone because I'm not fit for company!! And really there isn't a source of all of this. It takes on a life of its own, and I can't even say what is "wrong."

I so need to remember this!

Luckily (for us both!), Jon had a sushi date with a buddy, so I had time to stew alone after I put Rowan to bed. While I was rocking her, I sniffled and cried a little. Feeling defeated about everything? Yes. But at the same time not even really knowing what. I just felt off. Off balance. Out of focus. Intuitively, I must have known what would help because as I was rocking Rowan, I decided I would do a yoga video. I haven't done much yoga, especially recently, but I know how great it is. Each time I've made time for it, I haven't regretted it. Last night was no exception. I chose a 20 minute, release the tension video that is free on the lululemon website. The 20 minutes flew by, and at the end of the practice, I was much more relaxed, and I felt much more centered. I'm looking forward to making this a consistent part of my week!

I also felt inspired. I haven't done much meditation in recent memory, either. I used to frequently. I've let things fall away over the last few years, thinking I didn't need them or wasn't interested anymore. I allowed things to fall away, I think, because I wasn't confident enough to trust my intuition, my judgment, my choices. I'm working on changing that. So I found my favorite guided meditation by Adyashanti. What I like about him and his meditations is that they are not so bound by the idea that your mind has to be empty, blank. Because I know that I always used to stress that I couldn't do that good enough. I'd always struggle. Then I'd feel like a failure. And then get frustrated. Sound familiar?

This particular meditation focused on letting everything be as it is. A perfect reminder for where I found myself yesterday evening! I was allowing myself and my entire mood and experience be shaded by what I felt like I should have done about random things in the past. Or how I wished things could have been. I wasn't trusting. I wasn't allowing everything to be as it is. I wasn't being present. At all. By shifting my focus back to the present and by releasing control, I could relax. I could find my balance again. I found a peace after thirty minutes of quiet meditation.

Just one of the many great views at First Landing.
One run, I'll remember to bring my camera!

The final cure for my mood was an eight mile run this morning at First Landing. It was much better than last week's run, but it still took a good 4 miles to really get comfortable. Why is it always like that?! The weather was perfect today. Cool temps, no sun, no wind. The trails were very quiet for such a perfect running day, and my legs and breathing felt great. I'm learning to listen to my body, so when my knee started hurting around miles 3 and 5, I stopped to stretch. I focused on Adyashanti's meditation, and tried to let everything be. I have to get out of my head during runs, so I really tried to take in the scenery and the great nature in the park. The mental game of running is harder for me than the physical game. I know that I will be battling myself more on June 2 during the half than anything else. I need to practice letting everything be as it is, so I can get out of my own way. I know my body is strong. I know that I'm training to ensure that it will stay strong through 13.1 miles.

Yoga. Letting everything be as it is. Running by the sea. Give it a try if you find yourself in a negative space or a space of self-doubt. It so easily allowed what I was struggling with to begin to fall away. It is one more way I work on being present.

Nap post run. I was too tired to get out of the rocking chair and put her in her bed, so we just snuggled!