Whispers

There will be big changes happening at the Rock House in the coming weeks. I've lamented and struggled about returning to work since Brown Baby was born. Poor Hubby had to see me heartbroken as the final days of my maternity leave drew to a close. I would cry hard tears if he or anyone alluded to August and returning to work. I would look at my baby girl, and my stomach would clench because I recognized that all that she knew of life (being home with me) was about to change quite a bit. My heart ached for both of us.

Being the financial wizard that he is, Hubby put together a plan to pay down some of our bills, so I could stay home with her after this school year was over. From August to July is such a very long time, especially in the life of a baby, but I was joyful at the prospect of one day being able to stay home with her and being more available to the boy-os. Even with this knowledge, I struggled. I cried daily at the separation from my sweet girl even though I know she was very well cared for at our beloved babysitter's home.

Hubby and I have often wondered how I made it through returning to work after I had the boy-os. I don't know. I know I was sad at first, but somehow I did it. Maybe it is maturity and knowing how fast kids grow, maybe it is because I knew staying home simply wasn't an option. Maybe it was because I was so miserable at home, so work was an escape. Whatever the reason, my heart was not nearly as broken then as it has been for the last six months. This heartbreak, this intense longing told me that I needed to be home with her and the boy-os, and I trudged through work each day, moving one step closer to that reality.

In early fall, our circumstances changed. Hubby's new position at work provided me the option of not having to work until July. I struggled to make a decision. I have invested ten years in the school system; it has been the only "real" job I've ever had, and I was nervous about breaking my contract. I quibbled many times about what to do, but it was over Christmas break, as I settled into a daily routine of sweet, easy mornings and quiet nursing naps in the rocking chair, that I realized I could no longer ignore my heart's whisperings. Time clips along too quickly to quibble; babies grow in the blink of an eye; small boys turn into big boys without notice. I had the opportunity to be more available to all of them, to be more present, to be happy and fulfilled by just being their mom all day. As anxious as I was to make a huge decision, I knew had to take advantage of that blessing.

God works in wonderful ways, and once I made the decision to resign early, and Hubby and I named a date, I felt peace. A peace that has been fleeting since I returned to work. I wasn't waking up with dread anymore. I wasn't looking at the calendar and seeing July, a small, far away beacon of light. I felt peace knowing that despite Hubby's busy work schedule, I would be able to regain order and balance in our house that is so elusive when both parents work (especially when a baby is part of the mix). I felt peace knowing that I will have more time to devote to the boys and their activities. I have received nothing but positive, supportive, and affirmative comments from friends and coworkers.  Men and women applauding my choice. After I confirmed everything with my principal, I came back to my office and cried. Cried with relief that the resignation process that was a source of anxiety was complete, but more so with joy that one day soon, I will not have to say goodbye to this girl every day.

And though it will be hard to say goodbye to teaching (for now), to say goodbye to so many good friends and colleagues, I look forward to this new adventure, to just being mom.

I wish I could cite the creators of the first two images. I found them on Facebook with no attribution.